Sunday Night Joke

The Laugh

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your computer.
2. Name it " George W. Bush "
3. Send it to the trash.
4. Empty the trash.
5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get rid of " George W. Bush?"
6. Firmly Click "Yes."
7. Feel better.

PS: tomorrow we'll do Dick Cheney...

Sunday Night Joke

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. They're getting a little impatient, but the airport staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon, and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

(courtesy of Rion's Run)

Sunday Night Joke

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Sunday Afternoon Joke

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, Scott, who is coming to visit with his wife Samanthia.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301. There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow pusha button 301. I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?

""What . . . . . . . .. You coming empty handed?"

Luggage Tag

How hysterical is this? My friend Shari sent me this luggage tag for my birthday.

I love it! Thanks, Dude!

Special Edition: Mother's Day Joke

Why Parents Drink

A boss wondered why one of his most-valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child. "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

Courtesy of Anna P. Thanks, Anna!

Sunday Joke

New Computer Chip

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts.

The iBoob is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Courtesy of Auntie Louise.

Sunday night joke..

Look what I spotted while I was walking this afternoon! Threatening little fellow if I do say so myself...

Thanks, Helen for your submission!

Sunday Night Joke

Tonight's joke courtesy of the offices of our friend Anna P. Cont:

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, just in front of him the light turned yellow. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School'bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. I assumed you had stolen the car."

Have a great week, everybody!

Sunday Night Joke

Laura Bush bought George a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, “The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to pronounce over 200 words!” “Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” Cheney said. “But you realize that he just says the words. He doesn’t understand what they mean.” “That’s okay,” Laura replied. “Neither does the parrot.”

Your joke, Sir.

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well...I can clearly see your nuts."


This week's joke credit: Mr. Luggage. Email me your jokes!

Sunday Joke

Today's joke is courtesy of Anna P. Cont. Hollla!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.

During the next few minutes he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59 he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning.

And therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million.

Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.

She informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million her husband was so astounded he could barely speak.

Finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

What do we got for entertainment?

Introducing a new blog feature...the Sunday Night Joke! Are you keeping track? Tuesday- 80's day; Sunday- joke night. Let's get this party started:

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and t-shirt. As they walked though the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silver backed gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She plated along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. The husband suggested she let her dress strap fall to show a little more skin.
She did…and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. “Now…Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy. He started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the door shut.

“Now. Tell him you have a headache.”


I'll be here all week....